Confused and Conflicted
by Iguessyoullneverknow
Summary: What happens when Spencer begins to realize she has feelings for her best friend - the struggle becomes real. Will Aria reciprocate these feelings? Or will years of friendship be lost? Sparia. Slowburn.
1. Chapter 1

**Note:**

 **I own nothing - All rights go towards the brilliant creators that made PLL possible.**

 **A HUGE thank you to AcquiredMadness. If you haven't discovered AM, stop now, and go read the brilliance.**

 **This is my first fanfic, so here's hoping..**

 **Comment, review and read;**

* * *

Chapter I

Spencer Hastings woke with a bolt, upright yet groggy start; her head was wrapped in a not dissimilar flood of high stakes adrenalin pumping judgment-clouding thoughts.

"Hmmph" Spencer let herself fall back into the bed as she struggled to keep her beating heart under wraps.

Willing herself to go back to sleep she rolled over to realize her sheets were covered in sweat, again. And there was tangible moisture in between her legs, again. A familiar feeling of guilt began to wash over her as she realized who she had been dreaming about…again.

For some people, dreaming came easy, however not for Spencer. Whether through the inability for her mind to ever stop thinking or her history with Adderall, dreaming was a rarity. So when she finally managed to dream it was an escape, except not of late. She used to dream about striping through the field of defense in hockey, slamming home a debate argument and receiving an A on her calculus assignment, nonetheless within the last year, her dreams became much more specific and her need for a particular short-statured friend was insatiable as she was never going to achieve the release she needed. So, for the past year, when she was fortunate enough to dream, each dream was sure to be the same confusing one, where she would have not so friend like interactions with one of her best friends… Her presence… her body ... It was so real and overwhelming and oh-so consuming.

It was physical; Spencer was the aggressor in her past relationships, she always had to win the fight for dominance, a Hastings never stood second and never backed down, and her dreams weren't any different. Spencer closed her eyes, fighting the guilt and willing the last grasps of the dream to stay with her - Spencer would have her pushed up against her bedroom door, her own body pressing against hers, feeling every shiver of hesitation and uncertainty coursing through her petite body. Her enchanting brown-buttoned eyes stared at Spencer in alarm, a million questions on her lips and …fear. And then Spencer would kiss her, and that fear and alarm was replaced by something much more raw and demanding. The kiss was never slow and reserved, but harsh and abrasive, filled with such passion that it elicited a barrage of moans from her tiny friend as her senses were overwhelmed. Pinning her hands beside her waist, Spencer would lean into her ear,

"If you don't stop moaning your parents are going to hear and I'm not going to be able to stop."

Her sharp intake of breath was all Spencer needed to hear, pressing her body further into her best friends, pushing a single leg in between her two so she could create a friction just where the shorter girl needed it.

Lying in bed now, Spencer ran her own hand down her neck remembering how she would tear her lips away from her kiss and bite her way down her neck, lavishing attention to her pulse point. Spencer's hands would grope and grab and produce an even louder array of moans from a very heavily breathing …. Aria...

Spencer rolled over in bed, groaning. She couldn't pinpoint exactly when it was that Aria crossed the line from friend that's attractive to friend that's beyond breathtakingly gorgeous that I need to have in my bed. But it had happened, and there was no unseeing her in this way.

Again, pushing the guilt out of her mind the hand that was in-between her own legs began to rub harder – desperate for that unreachable release. She plays back the lasting moments of her dream – With Aria pinned against the wall at the mercy of Spencer's mouth and body weight advantage, Spencer breathed into Aria's neck,

"Keep your hands where they are" Spencer released her grasp and trailed her fingers down her forearms, lightly touching down her torso and reaching the hem of her t-shirt. Just as Spencer brushed her fingers across the skin of her lower back Aria would moan,

"Fuck Spence…" hitching her leg up onto Spencer's hip, removing her hands from the door, pulling spencer's lips back into her own.  
This is when Spencer would wake up. Every time. Without fail.

And today was no exception.

* * *

Aria had a much different start to her morning. Byron believed her to be staying over at Spencer's and Spencer thought she was with Hanna and, well, Hanna knew she was at Ezra's. Spencer had been less than impressed the last time Ezra had broken up with her and she went back to him, but it was a necessary lie as her father was more willing to trust Spencer then her other best friends.

And thus her alarm was blaring notifying her that Monday was here. And by Monday, she meant school. School which started in an hour, easily allowed enough time for her to hit the snooze button a few times….

*Thwack* the alarm was struck and Aria snuggled back into her personal protector and blanket as Ezra nuzzled into her neck, "Remember last time what happened when you silenced it?"

A giggly Aria responds, "Yes I do thank you, and no THAT is not happening this morning, I can't be late again,"

"Alright. I'm just saying. You staying over certainly has its early morning perks" Ezra hinted, his evident display of morning arousal pressing into Aria.

"Ezra I'm serious. I can't be late, I have an-"

His lips silenced hers as he rolled her onto her back, supporting his weight on his right arm while his left hand graced her neck, running his hand down his favorite shirt and lifting it up underneath, finding an already hardened nipple for him to tease. Consumed by Ezra and his teasing hands Aria groaned as she pressed up into him, demanding as much contact as she could possibly get, her body hypersensitive to the touch. Knowing she was already going to admit defeat on her defiance, she couldn't go down without a small victory. Aria rolls him over onto his back straddling his waist conceding with grin. "You have 10 minutes..."

* * *

*Slam* Spencer closed her locker and jumped back with a shock that Aria didn't seem to recognize as she was in mid-sentence,

"…and then he told me I'd have to do a whole other submission to try and raise my grade. I mean, I wouldn't care at all but, Spence, I got a B. a B in art. It's so obviously because he-"

Spencer cuts her off, realizing her rant was not going to stop unless she stepped in. "What do you need? And what is up with your hair?" Spencer remarked, noticing the disarray of her normally well-put together best friend. Yes, _best friend_ Spencer had to remind herself, _best friend that you did not try and have sex with against her door last night._

Aria shifted and a look of unease settled over her face as she tried to further comb her fingers through her tangled messy sex hair, "Oh…err, nothing, I just, um, forgot my hair brush and Hanna…Hanna couldn't find hers."

"Then why does Hanna's hair look immaculate as always?" Spencer queried as she spotted the blonde talking to Emily down at her locker.

"Oh. Erm…she must have found it after I left. I drove her separately I wanted to pick up some coffee from the brew. She's on this whole new juice cleanse."

Sensing the lie and watching Aria's face get redder by the second as she tried to avoid Spencer's eye line, Spencer knew she was going to regret the following question, but she asked it anyway, "Aria, where were you last night?"

"I told you, Hanna's" Aria squared up against the much taller girl.

"Aria unless you and your right hand got well acquainted with each other in Hanna's bed, that seems highly implausible – besides, I've heard of bed hair but THAT'S taking it to a whole new level."

"Fine, all right! I was with Ezra…but I didn't want to tell you because until things settled down because last time-"

"Because last time I reminded you just how much of a deranged ass hat he is and how he's not healthy for you?!" Spencer remarked incredulously causing several students to look their way.

Aria shushed Spencer and dragged her by her hand into the bathroom, unaware of how much Spencer flinched when she grabbed the taller girl's hand. "I know. I'm sorry, all right? Everything you said made sense, it still does, but fuck…I love him, Spence."

Aria was never one to swear, it was only reserved for Spencer's deepest dreams and times of extreme fear, so when the words 'fuck' and her name were uttered in the same sentence, Spencer's brain to mouth filter seemed to have stopped working. Seeing the absent look that over took Spencer's face Aria wasn't quite sure Spencer had heard her correctly, "I said I love him, Spence. I thought you'd understand…"

 _There it was again – Spence – God, this girl really knows how to floor a woman._

*Buzz* The bell rang and snapped Spencer out of her daze, eyes snapping back to Aria's perplexed face, "I.. I've got to get to class." And with that, Spencer was hoisting her backpack up higher on her shoulders and rushing past Aria with not so much as a sideways glance, leaving behind a very confused Aria.

"Spencer!" She cries out disbelievingly to the girl's retreating back.


	2. Chapter 2

**I know these are not the longest,  
I'm definitely trying to improve upon that,**

 **Here we go again;  
**

* * *

Chapter II

"Anyway, so I told her nobody believed that they were real, I mean we all remembered what they looked like.."

Hannah was interrupted by a moody Aria slamming her bag onto the lunch table,

"Woah, calm down se… short stuff, what's up with you?" Hanna smirked, catching herself before commenting on Aria's hair, deciding the height jab would provide much better entertainment.

"Nothings up with me Hanna, and how many times have I told you not to call me short stuff?" Aria said as she sat down with a livid expression on her face.

"Sorry, you're right, But I promise to refrain from calling you short stuff until the end of the week if you spill on what's up, instead of us inevitably dragging it out of you by the time lunch finishes" Hanna exclaimed, who had the support of a nodding Emily who was far less forward with her words and very much interested in inspecting the cafeterias lunch on her plate.

"Who's dragging what out of who now?" Spencer queried as she sat down at the lunch table, dumping her backpack on top of the table with a loud *thunk.*

"Geezes Spencer, If you say that those are textbooks you're carrying around we're staging an intervention" Emily spoke up, breaking her eye contact with the food on her plate, deciding it was probably best to just steer clear of slop today.

"Hey now, I happen to .."

"Bla bla.. books.. smart.. AP.. just don't drown under there will you?" Hanna proposed, much more interested on questioning a very distant looking Aria.

A smug Spencer gave a stern nod to Hanna and took a deep breath preparing herself to look at Aria for the first time since their interaction before class.

"SO, short stuff, what is it on your mind, Ezra again?" Hannah pushed, as she expertly wiggled her eyebrows suggestively,

This was news to Emily who perked up at this new piece of information. Similarly not prepared for this line of questioning a breath hitched in the back of Spencer's throat as she experienced this flash of annoyance at her English teachers name - _wow, this is new..  
_  
A disgruntled Aria glared at Hanna determined not to give into the blonde, coming up short she realized she wouldn't win the stare down and scrambled to try and put her cover story together,

"No, its not Ezra," Aria dared not look at Spencer after the mornings altercation, and continued,

"Its just.. things at home.. Its getting crazy, Dad tried to call me 4 times during first period, apparently Mike blew up last night and wasn't at home all night, its just too much with everything that's going on now I'm back with.." She cut herself off, realizing what she was about to reveal,

Spencer normally the insatiable one for information found herself gladly wishing for Hanna to give up her line of questioning and for the conversation to stop - _What was happening.._

"Withhhhhh?" Hanna pressed,

"With nothing Hanna! I have to go," Aria jumped up and collected her bag, glaring menacingly at Hanna, who backed down sensing she struck a nerve,

"Aria, I'm sorry,"

"Don't worry about it" she huffed and was off,

"Hanna, you could have been a little easier don't you think? You know she always tell us when she's ready" Emily the ever understanding one defended, "Back me up Spencer,"

Spencer however was particularly pre-occupied, and caught herself just in time before anybody noticed she was watching her best friends arse as she hurried away from the table,

"Ugh.. yeah, what Emily said," as she gathered her things together, she quickly continued eagerly finding herself wanting to get away from an ever perceptive Hanna today -

"I gotta go as well guys, I've got this chem test next period"

"Uh Spencer, next periods Calculus," Emily looked at her quizzically,

"Oh right, I meant next next," Spencer hurried off,

"Is it me or is everybody acting weird today?" Hanna mused as Emily hummed in agreement.

* * *

After leaving her lunchtime interrogation from Hanna, Aria found herself walking the halls questioning why it was she didn't come out and say she and Ezra were back together again. And why was she was so annoyed at Hannas questions? They were her best friends, they deserved to know that she was happy and what was going on in her life, so why was she so hesitant to tell them that they were definitely back together?

Absentmindedly dragging her hands through her hair Aria was met with an abundance of knots.. "Oh," Aria recalled back to that morning after Spencer rushed out of the bathroom, she was so pre-occupied with Spencer's unusual reaction that she didn't get a chance to look at her hair.

Rushing to the bathroom now with the morning's conversation on her mind, she gasped in horror at the state of her hair. How had nobody told her to fix it?! It was beyond disastrous.

Madly combing through her hair trying to bring but some resemblance of normalcy Aria found herself getting more and more irate with Spencer. How could she not understand? It was Spencer that always got a weird sense of vicarious enjoyment through Aria's down right risky involvement with a teacher. Spencer always encouraged her to stay with Ezra as she truly believed he loved her, Spencer was always on her side, so what changed? Aria could feel herself become more and more frustrated at her passing thoughts and made the decision to find Spencer and demand answers.

Satisfied with her appearance Aria left the bathroom on the search for her best friend.

* * *

Spencer found herself in the place of comfort she often turned to in times of distress – the library.

Books held a stoic notion of familiarity that Spencer has learned to love at a young age, and thus she found herself sitting on the ground in between to isles as she battled with an ongoing internal argument that she could no longer choke down.

 _Aria is your best friend. Emily, Hanna, Aria and Spencer, you are her best friend. You can't keep having these flashes of jealousy, because then that means you are attracted to someone that you can't be attracted to. You're Spencer Jill Hastings. You like boys._

Sitting there absentmindedly flicking through the pages of the first book she sighted Spencer could feel her confusion growing. Looking up from her book, with a direct line of site through to the hallway Spencer noticed her best friend in question peering into the library looking for something.

To avoid a conversation with the one person she really wanted to talk to the most however had no idea how to, Spencer discreetly slid further down the isle to eliminate any chance of being seen.

 _Get a grip Spencer. You are to act as normal. You are to support Aria and tell her how happy you are for her an Ezra despite knowing how you feel – No. You don't feel for her. You don't have feelings for her. Say it._

"I do not have feelings for her."

"Spencer?"

Fuck.


	3. Chapter 3

**This update is hella late - I know, I'm sorry**

 ***bows head***

* * *

Chapter III

"Spencer?" Aria repeated, rounding the corner of the stacks.

"…Hi" a skittish Spencer replied, her voice breaking as the fear creeps into it – _Did she hear me, oh god, what happens if she heard me.._

"Hi…So...can we talk about what happened earlier?" Aria questioned trying to hide the hurt and frustration that were attempting to seek out from behind her eyes.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Spencer places her fragmented composure back into place, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear as she launches into her response. "Of course, but you know how Hanna can get when she wants details, try not to worry about her." Hurriedly rushing on with no need for an intake of breath she recalls, "Remember when we were at the lake house in junior year and she spent 20 minutes begging me to tell her - in quite graphic detail mind you - about...Well you were there."

A giggling Aria responds with curiosity, "Yes, I was. And..?"

"And what?" Spencer queries stretching her neck to the left and right eliciting a barrage of popping noises that has Aria squirming.

"And, you still never told us how old you were the first time you got yourself off?" Aria whispered, keeping Spencer secret on a hush.

Spencer could feel her heartbeat making its way to her throat, watching the way Arias eyes glistened, hungry for information. How that perfect eyebrow arched trailing off in the end of the sentence. "Oh, well, its complicated." Spencer swallowed, managing to make a resounding reply.

"I like complicated, Spence."

 _Gulp._

"I'll get it out of you" said Aria with a wink, sliding down the opposite bookshelf, landing with a plonk on the ground.

 _Oh my...No Spencer, that elevated heartbeat is just because your latte is kicking in. And well... that feeling of your stomach pulling together and tying up as knots has NOTHING to do with that wink, and those eyes, and lips, and oh god her perfectly shaped– EYES UP SPENCER. Now focus, Hastings.  
_  
"Anyway, that's not what I meant when I said we need to talk about before" Aria spoke, all previous signs of joking disappeared.

Spencer, suddenly very aware of where this conversation was heading, began with a start, eager to derail the smaller girls train of thought. "Oh yeah, that's right. you needed help with something. I've got field hockey tonight, and...a thing tomorrow, but Wednesday?" Spencer rushes, gathering her bag, standing to a rise and busying herself with her phone.

 _Yeah, so much for acting normal Hastings, you're being real supportive of her relationship. Well done._

Aria stared up at her best friend, completely perplexed to her change in behavior. "No Spence, That's not what I meant either"

Spencer feeling her breath catch in her throat, as the knots became cable ties as she felt an overwhelming sadness start to envelop her - _Get out of here now Hastings._

"So you don't need my help on the assignment?"

"Well yes, but –"

 _Yes, - she needs my help. No, - don't look at her eyes._

"Well okay, Wednesday it is, I'm sorry but I've just got a text and I have to go, see you later?" Spencer hurried out the isle without waiting for an answer, avoiding eye contact with both Aria and the other occupants in the library. Feeling her eyes betraying her emotions as tears seeped to the surface, Spencer begins picking up her pace - running through the door, pushing her way back into the corridor in search of somewhere more isolated – _Get out Spencer. Now._

Rushing past a group of freshman girls that didn't bother a second glance in her direction, Spencer found herself in the third bathroom stall – head pressed against the door choking on her tears and trying to bring her breathing under control.

 _Why was this happening? I can't actually... Surely not… The dreams... it was only sexual, and you know that everyone has them. You even researched them, its common for substitutes to be made from your own life. Stop holding your breath Spencer._

A forced shaky breath seeps through Spencers bottom lip, as she closes her eyes, gently rocking her head side to side she beings to mumble "Why me...Why… me..."

 _Liking Aria is not an option, losing Aria is not an option, she's in in love with Fitz, she even told you herself, and she is STRAIGHT… YOU'RE straight Spencer, she is happy, she is happy and straight and in love and breathe Spencer._

Taking in another unsteady breath and giving her head a shake as if trying to rid the ever-present draining internal monologue from her mind, she runs through her musings, trying to pinpoint the thought that seemed within grasp not moments ago. Letting out a frustrated defeated sigh, Spencer furiously rubs her eyes willing the tears to stop flowing.

Walking out of the stall, Spencer inspects the damage - If her puffy eyes weren't indication enough, the streaking eyeliner and mascara was a dead giveaway of the past ten minutes of crying. Rifling through her bag trying to find a tissue, the bathroom door begins to open causing Spencer's body to halt in place, rooted to the spot.

Taking a wheezing breath she turns her attention away from the mirror and door hoping the new occupant of the bathroom will find their way to the stall.

"Oh there you are Spencer, ready for last period?" _Last period. English. Fitz. Ezra. Aria. No. Please No. Please not now.  
_  
"Um.. yeah, I'll be out in a sec, Em" Spencer choked out, trying to sound as normal as she can.

Hearing the strain to her voice and noticing how Spencer refused to turn around, Emily walks up and places a hand on her shoulder, causing Spencer to jump in such fright that Emily steps back in reflex.

"Woah, Spencer. What happened?"

"Nothing-I'm fine-I'm good-Sure-Maybe… I-I don't know" A fresh barrage of tears began to streak down Spencers face as she furiously tries to brush them away with the back of her hand.

Affrighted by her unfitting display of emotion and knowing very well not to spook the skittish Spencer, Emily gently pushes, "Spence what is it? You know you can talk to me."

As her tears began to freely flow from again - Spencer's thoughts began travelling on much more unstructured erratic path – _Why isn't she in here comforting me? Why am I crying dammit? Why do I want to strangle Ezra *shudders* everytime I hear his name, and why do I want to please her.. Why Do I…? .. No I cant. I. CAN'T. Why do I... Why Aria… Emily sure! That could make more sense. But Aria... No… Why... Do you know what this means Spencer?_

Choking through her words Spencer wheezes clutching at her sides.

"How … How did you know that you were… different from everyone else, Em?"

"What do you mean by different?" Emily queried, stepping close to Spencer trying to get within arms reach of her breaking down friend.

"Just...You know"

"No Spence, I can't say I do..."

*Buzz* The bell rings signaling last period.

 _Fuck No. Not English. That's not happening._

Hoisting her bag higher on her shoulder, Spencer breathed in deeply, wiping her fingers under her eyes in an attempt to clear the flow of tears that were beginning to stain her cheeks.

"I… I'm fine. I swear. I'll see you later okay. Please just tell… _Fitz_ , that I went home sick" Spencer blurted out in a hurry, as she pushed past Emily, heading for the door.

A frazzled Emily turns to watch Spencer as she walks out of the bathroom, trying to hold herself together,

"Oh and Em, What I said.. Just forget about it. You don't need to worry about it. I'm fine" and with that Spencer pushed out the door leaving Emily staring at the closes door.

Reaching into her pocket pulling out her phone, she quickly punches out a message to Hanna.

"You weren't wrong when you said everyone's been acting weird today. Spencer is going home sick and I'm starting to feel a serious case of Déjà Vu."

* * *

Back in the library, a very confused Aria began rubbing her temples as the frustration with Spencer began bubbling to the surface again. _She couldn't have left quicker if she tried. What was happening? Was it something I said? Something I did? Her mood swings are beginning to give me whiplash. She was fine to begin with, skittish, sure, but that girl is one coffee a day short of needing to have it mainlined into her veins. Besides with the pressure she's under to perform perfectly in everything from hockey to school by her parents, I don't blame her for seeming so … crazed.  
_  
Reaching over to grab the book Spencer tucked into the shelf behind her, she holds it in her hands, fingers exploring the leather binding with such reverence as though she hoped it would tell her the answers she needed to know.

Think, Aria. She first acted erratic when I pulled her into the bathroom and she scolded me about Ezra...and again at lunch, as soon as his name was mentioned she looked as though a shot of electricity had passed up her spinal cord having her sit to attention, as though one little disturbance could send her Into a downright downfall. _Wait, what do they both have in common...? Ezra...Every time I mention Ezra, she freaks out and leaves. What did he say to her!_

Piecing together the only possible logical explanation, Aria typed out a quick text that read:

"Did Ezra speak to you?"

Refraining from hitting the send button, Aria toys with her phone, struggling to understand what was happening. How can her best friend totally shut her out and ignore her… Why was she so quick to want to leave the room as soon as Aria wanted to talk for real.. Why was she so annoyed that she was back with Ezra..

Knowing one thing was for sure – She needed to talk with Spencer where there was no chance for her to escape and run off, which at school was impossible, so she set her mind to their study date on Wednesday.

The bell sounded for last period as Aria decidedly pressed send, gathering herself from the floor, thrusting the book back into bottom shelf and heading towards her locker, suddenly eager to make it to class as English was in session, and she sure wanted to earn her A. Smirking Aria tried to push Spencer to the back of her mind, desperate to enjoy English and not to let whatever this 'thing' was that was happening with Spencer to ruin it.

Walking into class Aria focuses her attention on Ezra, a smile playing on her lips, wanting to look into his gorgeous eyes even for a second for the first time since she left his place that morning. However a busy Ezra was scribbling on the board and a defeated Aria sweeps her eyes across the room as she heads for her desk. Noticing that Spencer hasn't arrived yet has Arias mind tumbling back to the taller girl.

This only progressed to worry as Era closed the door and started the lesson. Finally looking her in the eye Aria's previously jubilation and excitement had crashed out as it was clear that Spencer was not showing up for English.

Something was wrong – and Aria's struggled with the lesson, her mind was far of from present for the rest of the day.

* * *

*That night*

Spencer drags her sorry ass through the front door, popping her headphones out of her ears wiping the sweat from her forehead as she notices a note stuck to the fridge.

"Will be home late, Reheat dinner in freezer. Don't forget it's your sisters birthday – ring her. Mom"

A scoffing Spencer crumples the note in her fist and suddenly swings around, launching the created projectile through the air for a sailing swissshhhhh into the rubbish bin.

"Oh yeah!" – Spencer pumps her fist into the air launching herself at a run toward the stairs eager to shower and wash of the remnants of her run and the confusing thoughts that have been trying to invade her psyche all afternoon.

By leaving school before attending last period Spencer broke her all time cardinal rule – Don't skip school unless you're dying or dead. Returning home she thrust herself into first period homework as she tried to keep the looming thoughts that would bring about self-destruction at bay.

However she found herself quite unsuccessful, and headed out for a run to clear her head.

Now climbing up the stairs two at a time Spencer's thoughts - clear from Aria, Fitz and the raging swirl of emotions that she is determined to suppress for the future, both near, far ... and into the next century.

Reaching the top of the stairs, Spencer grasps at the hem of her t-shirt, nudging her door open as she begins pulling her shirt over her head, resulting in a temporary loss of vision.

Pulling the shirt over her head and from her eyes Spencer comes to an abrupt halt.

Her heart skips a beat before it starts up double pace.

Feeling her pulse rise up into her neck, unable to breathe, unable to move..

Her eyes lock with the girl sitting on her bed …


End file.
